Uncle Joe's Guide to Babysitting
by Caranath
Summary: words of wisdom from the cool uncle
1. Chapter 1

**A/n:** _I have no idea what came over me this morning. but I ran with it. This will be a stand alone series of one shot chapters with absolutely zero rhyme or reason or schedule of updates. so you will need to favorite either me or it if you want to keep up. but for now, consider this to by the Hardy Boy version of Baby Halley on Big Bang_ _Theory._

 **Birth to 6 months**

Determine whether the parents are anxious and over protective, or desperate to get out of the house at any cost. Adjust behavior and promises accordingly.

Show extensive documentation illustrating your most recent certification in infant first aid, to include CPR and the proper use of infant sized medicine droppers. Have copies of your spouse's as well, for tag team babysitting.

Ensure the safe family vehicle( the wife's sturdy and boring SUV, not the Impala or the Work SUV) has been properly inspected and the extra rear facing child car seat is correctly installed. Provide sun shade or additional blankets as necessary.

Bring spare batteries for the baby monitor. Demonstrate proficiency in changing batteries in front of at least one parent.

Demonstrate proficiency in one handed diaper changing in front of at least one parent. Learn how to avoid projectile pooping, peeing and farting while keeping the changing table and walls untouched as well.

Bring at least three extra tee shirts to change into after being spit up on. Alternatively, one very old ratty shirt that your wife wishes you'd just throw out already. A spare pair of cotton drawstring shorts are also a good idea. NEVER touch the overly expensive specially made washing machine liquid designed for a baby's tender skin, no matter how nice it makes your clothes smell after being doused in rancid formula. Limit yourself to the pretentious Trader Joe's stuff your vegetarian SiL uses or better yet, throw out that stupid tee shirt from 30 years ago.

Know how to test the temperature of all bottles regardless of how they have been heated. Know the ten approved methods to warm both formula and any expressed breast milk properly. Try not to sigh in exasperation when the list changes based on the latest Baby Blog your brother read. While on his date with his wife.

Remember that only Disney Movies may be watched while babysitting, even if your niece is sound asleep 3 rooms away. Try not to get caught singing all the lyrics to "Let it Go" when the parents return. However, it is perfectly acceptable to quote Dwayne Johnson as Maui.

The crib mobile requires no adjusting as it has been calibrated to precise optimum performance by your overly geeky brother. Simply flip the switch to the ON position. Do not adjust the timer setting and do not set it to loop indefinitely. Batteries ain't cheap and take different ones than the monitor.

Use of the rocking chair is only authorized after feeding to aid in burping and to calm her before bed after you have overstimulated her with making funny faces and weird noises. The ceiling light is operated by the adjustable sliding switch by the door. It should be dimmed to candlelight brightness to save your toes from being stubbed on the crib legs as you sneak out hoping she really is asleep.

Refer to the chart on the back of the door for proper placement of baby, blanket, binky and Buffy Bunny. Place video monitor at such an angle that all objects are in plain view. Tiptoe surreptitiously out of the room, keeping the door open enough to avoid the lower hinge from squeaking since your brother keeps forgetting to oil it.

Any dishes dirtied will be properly washed or placed in the dishwasher. Bonus points are earned for washing other dishes as well, folding baskets of laundry or straightening up. Vacuuming is NOT permitted during nap time or bedtime. Nor is the playing of loud music or Disney Movies.

The dog is not your responsibility but if he should request to use the backyard toilet, please let him do so; alternatively, clean up the mess if he has an oopsie. Treats are permitted in moderation. Do NOT feed the entire box of Milk Bones at once. Those are as expensive as batteries and need to last at least 2 weeks. Plus usually results in a very large pile of puke in the middle of the Master Bed.

Guests are permitted, but only with preapproval. Those persons automatically pre approved include spouses and grandparents. Anyone else seeking an acceptance letter must submit their resume and reason for request in writing. Known trouble makers will also be required to provide at least two letters of recommendation from trusted sources, as well as a solemn promise to never again toss child like a football even if it is only a six inch lateral pass and despite the fact that she loved it. Make that three letters, Biff.

Answer the phone within 2 rings no matter what. Any fever above 99.8 must be reported immediately. Crying for more than 15 minutes is to be reported immediately to receive instruction on how to do the jiggle walk properly, as this changes daily.

A written report on all bodily functions ( of the baby, doofus) is mandatory, to include time and color/consistency. Yes, it is relevant. No, you may not get creative with your descriptions. New parents are very particular.

This Guide shall be updated as necessary.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/n:** _I wanted to start a new, real complete with plot and everything story. decided I didn't have enough time before surgery and follow on rehab. so you get this instead._

 **Six to Twelve Months**

baby proof personal vehicle, home and workplace. Exact extent of babyproofing will depend on current anal retentiveness of parents( changes daily) and abilities of child( also changes daily. Sometimes hourly)

invest in a deep cleaning carpet machine, industrial strength, to appease aforementioned anal retentiveness. Provide proof of recent( within 24 hours) usage when caretaking takes place in personal residence.

Provide babyproof outdoor setting. Ensure deck is sufficiently padded with mold and mildew resistant outdoor carpeting. Maintain adequate supplies of baby safe sunscreen. No tears formula.

Have on hand at least 1 weeks worth of clothing, diapers and other assorted baby items. Assign one cabinet in the kitchen for toddler sized plates, cups and utensils. Assign one shelf in pantry for baby friendly food items such as Zwieback toasts, Stage 2 jars of sweet potatoes and 100% organic GMO free preservative free juice. Hide the jars of beef stew from the vegetarian Sister in law.

Convert man cave/office/personal space on first floor to play room and spare baby room. Move man cave contents to the basement and toss in a corner until such time as your niece is old enough help you convert basement into the new and improved man cave.

Find a great deal on a 3 way convertible crib at the local flea market. 'Forget' to inform overly protective parents that it was a used item that required some additional reinforcements in the form of new screws and repainting with lead free paint. Allow wife to spend more money than should be legal on suitable bedding. Try not to gag in front of her at the excess of frilly pink lace.

Go through parents basement and attic and recover all toys, books and child sized furniture. Split findings among parents, grandparents and self. Inform father that it is perfectly okay to let his daughter play with toy trucks and stereotypes are lame. Claim the football equipment for later play dates when niece is walking.

Help grandfather convert HIS man cave into a baby friendly oasis. Refrain from commenting on the expense of purchasing a new dresser, changing table and crib when there are perfectly serviceable used ones out there. Compliment grandmother on the lack of peptobismal pink in the bedding and approve of the butterfly theme.

Offer to take niece for entire weekends filled with camping, trips to zoos and the new local water park. Abide by parents demand that water park excitement be limited to the swim diaper friendly splash zones only. Accept graciously the refusal of parents to take you up on the offer of swim lessons.

Take video of niece's first steps so that Mommy won't miss out on them despite having to work on weekends or having Daddy be busy with the camera instead of being the one niece walks to first.

Continue to find ways to avoid the subject of your own baby making plans with anyone not your wife. And even then, be vague.

 **A/n:** _ _I think there will really only be a few more of_ these.. _probably up through_ kindergarten. This is really just meant to be a cute little side bar into their lives. __To be honest, I am not sure if at any point I will give Joe and Halloran their own kid, or that Frank and Gloria will ever have any more. nor do I intend on making any kids be more than just a very minor secondary character. so if you are hoping for a 'Frank's daughter gets kidnapped and Joe has to rescue her' story in the future, prepare for_ _disappointment._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/n:** _finally decided to finish this up and move on to the next tale. I have two very vague plots in the back of my brain simmering. both are of course Joe centric. one is slightly more detrimental to Joe's health and well being than the other._

 **One to Five Years**

Scope out all toddler friendly parks within a 25 mile radius. Grade each one based on safety features as per the Parents' orders.

Stock up on age appropriate video games and DVDs. Only watch/play them alone when your wife is out of town on business trips.

Double pantry space to two shelves to accommodate extreme pickiness.

Get a better vacuum cleaner to suck up crushed goldfish crackers ground into the antique Persian rug in the living room.

Toddler proof all rooms, including extra gates for all stairs and child proof locks for all cabinets. Invest in some bolts for the doors leading into the basement and garage.

Get the 'family' membership pass to the local zoo. Or whichever one that offers unlimited access for up to 4 adults and all kids under 6.

Scour local garage sales and flea markets for tricycles, Big Wheels and other outdoor toys. Introduce niece to Tee ball. Move tee ball stand to back yard after the SUV loses a rear view mirror. Switch to soccer, then baseball, before settling on lacrosse.

Convert crib to toddler bed and use frilly pink crib bedding as car washing rags. Insist on shopping with the wife for toddler bedding and negotiate away from princess themes and convince her that Pooh is classic. Hire the twins to paint an entire wall with a Pooh mural.

Force parents to take at least one full weekend a month for themselves at a hotel in the City. Share babysitting with overly eager grandmother.

Arrange playdates with Phil and Chet's kids.

Agree to Parents' demand that at least one hour be spent on learning activities such as the ABCs and counting to ten in Spanish. Teach niece how to order beer in Japanese, Thai, and Korean. Tell parents that 'biru, kudasai' means 'drink, please'. Argue that it is technically correct when busted by Grandpa.

Introduce niece to the joys of camping; namely, eating hot dogs and burgers not made out of tofu, s'mores and unhealthy carbonated beverages. Feed the provided lettuce wraps to the local indigenous wildlife, ie, the bunnies. Sneak leftover beef jerky into her backpack when Mom isn't looking.

Buy only the loudest and most obnoxious toys possible for birthdays and holidays. Keep a Costco sized stash of batteries in the three most popular sizes on hand to counter any attempts to claim there are no fresh ones by Older Brother With a Headache.

Be just as blubbery as the 'rents on the first day of Kindergarten.


End file.
